ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
