I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
