smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
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