I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
