if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
