can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
