just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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