The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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