My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Let's get the cat blown out
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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