I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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