I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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