Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
