brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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