I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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