Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize