I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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