So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
