My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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