Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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