cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
