I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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