in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Are my feet made of real feet?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize