Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
