I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
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