My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
