Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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