You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
