I bet he comes in French.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
