i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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