I puked a lego.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
