I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
