It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
