Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
