I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
