Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
