you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
