Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
