At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
