Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I want her autograph on my taint
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
