I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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