I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Did I show you my penis last night?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
His nipple licking is glorious
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