I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
