how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
