he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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