Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
