I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
