Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
This is not my ceiling
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize