I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
