go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
