I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
