May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
