I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
