I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
