Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
